Help..I'm surrounded by people calling my name,
pulling my hair,
biting me,
tearing me apart,
yelling at my heart,
begging me to stay,
telling me to go,
screaming no,
watching me cry,
not saying goodbye,
loving when I'm hurt,
All becaus of what I've done.
Help..I'm being dragged through a living Hell.
would you agree with me if i told you that this is not a poem, rather a list of telling? i don't mean to offend, but there is no imagery and metaphors that range from cliche to non-existent. think about it, what is poetry? it relies heavily on concrete imagery (invoking the senses) to convey a message; your message is not conveyed invoking any senses; instead you just tell us everything; "pulling my hair" yes, but how hard? i don't feel it. "biting me" yes, but again, how hard? i don't feel it. "tearing me apart" draws vague image of a paper being torn apart, yet you mention no such thing, so i can't say for sure how the tearing looks like or feels like.
ReplyDeleteyour poem has a lot of the above and i'd just like for you to add a simile (an analogy comparing one thing to anther) to each thing on the list and then send me a message when you're through; i'll review once more for effeciency, clarity, coherency, and to see if the message you want to express is conveyed.
good luck on your edits, and i hope this helped.
I agree completely!Thnx for your criticsm it will surely help
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